“We judge ourselves for judging” – Robin Shohet

All my life I have noticed I am judgemental and can quickly form a judgement, so when I started my coach training I wanted to shed and rid myself of “Judgemental Julia”! I used to try so hard to be the ‘perfect, non-judgemental coach’ that I ended up judging myself for having any judgements at all.  This is not surprising because as Robin Shohet recently said at the EMCC UK Coaching Supervision conference, “we judge ourselves for judging”.

As I heard Robin share this, I thought “yes, and then as coaches (and perhaps human beings) we deny that we make judgements.” Afterall, I hear time and time again how as coaches we are non-judgemental and provide a space free of judgement.  Of course, this is absolute nonsense because as human beings we are meaning-making creatures and naturally make assessments (judgements) to protect and keep ourselves safe.  Making judgements is therefore natural human behaviour.  I therefore think that claiming we are non-judgemental is self-delusional.

I believe that we may deny we are making judgements because our judgement-making behaviour induces shame, guilt and fear – emotions we are uncomfortable with.  I, therefore, invite you to firstly acknowledge that, even as coaches, we are judgement making creatures and are making them minute by minute – acknowledge this with acceptance for yourself, as it is being human.  Afterall, there are clients we like and connect with, and those that we do not!

Having acknowledged that judgement exists – start getting curious and delve deep:

• Identify what is the judgement? How does this manifest itself in you (feelings, thoughts and/or physiological responses)?
• Where might this judgement stem from? What are the origins?  How does it link to your history?  Your education? Your background?  Your values or beliefs?  Your needs or motivations?
• If the judgement induces shame, guilt or fear – sit with it and explore this further with maybe a therapist and/or coaching supervisor.
• What might it mean for the work you are doing with your clients? What might you need to pay attention too?

This reflection can support us in using our whole self with awareness, honesty and authenticity.  I find it is also helpful to take this to supervision – only recently I was reflecting with my supervisor about a client I hadn’t yet met but was about to have an exploratory call with.  I noticed I wanted to win the work and was feeling a little anxious about the call.  My supervisor asked me, “what was I assuming about this client (who I hadn’t yet met)?”  Based on his job title, his profession and the sector he worked in I had so many assumptions and judgements – most of which were untrue when I met the client!  So, let’s stop making claims that as coaches we are non-judgemental instead let’s acknowledge we make them and explore their origins, meanings and deepen our self-awareness.  Denying they exist is unethical.