Self-Awareness on a Pedestal!
How often do you hear comments along the lines of “well, they’re not very self-aware”? I take this as an inference that the owner of the statement somehow thinks they are the opposite of this, and that they believe they are self-aware and are using I would proffer that they are observing behaviours and then (whether they know or not what self-awareness is) are assessing that the other person is not self-aware. You may feel that this is fair enough and justified – but is it really?
In stating someone else is not very self-aware we are in some way claiming that we are, and in doing so inferring that we are in some way complete, sorted and better than the other person. Having studied and reflected on what self-awareness is and what it isn’t, I am beginning to feel increasingly uncomfortable with this mindset. I am reminded of one of my research participants stating that they felt self-awareness was rather narcissistic, which might be defined as an ‘inflated sense of self-importance’. I would offer that this mindset is likely to be detrimental to deepening our own self-awareness. Why might this be the case?
Firstly, self-awareness is not a static construct – instead it is ever evolving and dynamic, it ebbs and flows. There are days when we are tired, less resilient and perhaps stressed when our own ability to notice our impact on others ebbs away.
Self-Awareness with humility – my research showed that self-awareness supports us in developing a self-acceptance that acknowledges we are incomplete, messy human beings with imperfections and cracks. As Leonard Cohen said “Ring the bells that can still ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That’s how light gets in.” We have many cracks; we are never done and developing self-awareness is a lifetime journey. By saying that someone is not very self-aware, what might we need to pay attention too?
Self-awareness for human-connection – when viewing self-awareness as dynamic, with a lens of humility it is a route through to deeper human connection and acceptance. Yetunde Hoffman in her fabulous book ‘Beyond Engagement’ describes love as “acceptance of all I am and an acceptance of all you are.” With this mindset how can we possibly judge anyone as not being self-aware?
Self-awareness is a trait and a state – when doing my research, I explored at length was self-awareness a state or a trait? For research purposes I defined it within the context of being a trait, but it is also undoubtedly a state – a mindset, a sense, a way of being – and for me that way of being is one of constantly being curious as to ‘why I am behaving in the way I am, and what’s driving my behaviors’, alongside one of absolute awareness there is more work to do!
Therefore, in sum STOP putting self-awareness on a pedestal, and if you are believing or claiming you are self-aware take a pause. The moment we start claiming or believing we are self-aware we are absolutely NOT! You can read more on this in my book “You Are Not as Self-Aware as You Think You Are!”
